Moving Abroad: Before and After the Decision
Specialized in working with women and LGBTQ+ clients primarily in St. Louis and Lisbon
Offering in-person sessions in Lisbon and online therapy across Missouri, Portugal, and internationally.
A nervous system, IFS/parts-informed approach.
“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.”
For some people, the idea of moving abroad feels like a quiet curiosity. For others, it becomes a thought that won’t let go.
You may find yourself thinking about it late at night, circling the same concerns again and again, imagining different versions of your life, and then talking yourself out of it just as quickly. Part of you may feel pulled toward something more expansive, meaningful, or aligned. Another part may respond with fear, guilt, or a familiar voice asking who you think you are to want this much.
Many people experience the question of moving abroad not just as a practical decision, but as something that touches identity, safety, belonging, and self-trust. When different parts want different things, it can feel hard to settle, even when the desire itself feels clear.
I work with people for whom this question feels emotionally loaded and difficult to hold alone. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and psychotherapist in Missouri, offering online therapy to adults in St. Louis and across Missouri via secure video.
If you are already living outside the U.S., including in Portugal, you can read more about how this work is offered on my International Clients page.
Before and After the Decision: How I Help You Think This Through
I help people who are contemplating moving abroad to work through the conflicting parts that show up before and after the decision, so that they can arrive at a yes or a no with more steadiness, self-trust, and internal permission, even if fear, guilt, loyalty to others, or long-standing self-doubt keep getting activated.
You may be wishing you could find a therapist who will tell you what to do with this decision and fix all of the difficulties once a choice is made. Therapy with me is not about handing you an answer or pushing past the struggles that come with it.
This work is not about convincing you to leave or pushing you to stay. Either outcome can be right, and neither answer has to be forever. The focus is on helping you understand what is happening inside you, so that your decision is not driven solely by panic, pressure, or a need to escape, nor shut down by fear of disappointing others or making the “wrong” choice.
If your decision does end up being to move, the process can be full of ups and downs. Moving abroad can be challenging emotionally, relationally, and practically. Part of our work can involve addressing fears and concerns ahead of time, so that more of you feels on board with the choice you are making.
When difficult moments arise, having internal clarity and a felt sense of why you chose this path can make it easier to stay connected to meaning rather than becoming overwhelmed or pulled into constant second-guessing.
Many people are also surprised to find that even after a decision is made, parts of them continue to react. Doubt can resurface. Guilt can spike. Anxiety can flare up at unexpected moments. Therapy can be a place to tend to those reactions as well, rather than assuming something has gone wrong or that the decision itself was a mistake.
Moving Away and Moving Toward
A helpful question for some is, “Are you moving away from something or toward something?” when considering moving abroad. Neither answer is good or bad, but it can offer a starting place for noticing which parts of you are most present in the decision-making process.
Some people feel a strong urge to leave because something no longer feels tolerable, safe, or sustainable. That might include political or cultural stress, chronic burnout, a sense of constriction, LGBTQ+ concerns, the feeling of having to brace yourself just to get through daily life, or a desire for a fresh start from your current view of life. Wanting distance from something painful or threatening does not make a decision reactive or wrong. For many people, especially right now, it is a reasonable and protective response.
At the same time, moving abroad is harder to sustain through “away from” motivation alone. When challenges arise, and they often do, it can be helpful to also understand what you are moving toward. This does not have to be dramatic or idealized. It might be toward a slower pace, a felt sense of safety, greater alignment with your values, more room to be yourself, or the experience of living a life that feels more expansive or alive.
In our work together, we may explore both of these directions with care. Rather than judging or trying to eliminate the parts of you that want to get away, we focus on understanding them. We also gently make space to notice whether there is something you are hoping to build, protect, or move closer to. Having even a small sense of “toward” can help anchor you during difficult moments.
For LGBTQ+ people, this exploration can also include questions of safety, visibility, belonging, and long-term well-being. You may be weighing not only personal desires, but the nervous system impact of living in a place where your identity feels more accepted, protected, or easeful to hold. You may currently have a strong queer community and worry about what it might be like in another country. These considerations are real and valid, and they often deserve space to be explored thoughtfully rather than minimized or rushed. If you’d like to read more about my approach to working with LGBTQ+ clients, you can learn more here.
The goal is not to force optimism or certainty. It is to help you honor why you want to leave without letting fear be the only fuel.
Family, Loyalty, and Guilt
For many people, one of the most complicated parts of considering a move abroad is not the move itself, but the impact it may have on others or the fear of missing loved ones. You may care deeply about your family, chosen family, or long-standing friendships, and still feel a strong pull to live elsewhere. These experiences are not mutually exclusive. Two things can be true at the same time.
Guilt often shows up around fears of disappointing people, leaving loved ones behind, or being perceived as selfish. Some people carry a sense of responsibility for the emotional well-being of others, even when that responsibility was never explicitly asked of them. For others, loyalty is tied to identity, belonging, or survival, and the idea of leaving can activate fears of abandonment, rejection, or being seen as disloyal. You may even have someone explicitly say to you, “How can you leave me?”
In therapy, we can slow this down and look more closely at what these parts are protecting. Rather than trying to push guilt away or reason yourself out of it, we work toward understanding where it comes from, what it needs, and how it can be acknowledged without letting it make the decision for you. This can help you differentiate between caring deeply about others and organizing your life primarily around their needs or expectations.
We can also think outside the box about practical and realistic ways to keep relationships in the U.S. alive from afar, including navigating time zone differences and using current technologies to stay emotionally connected. At the same time, it can be helpful to acknowledge that long-distance relationships do not all unfold in the same way. Some connections deepen, some remain meaningful but shift, and others may fade over time despite best intentions. Part of this work can involve grieving those changes while also honoring the importance of maintaining long-term connections when possible, without placing unrealistic pressure on yourself or others.
After the Move: Ongoing Emotions and Adjustment
Even when a decision feels thoughtful and aligned, it is common for parts of you to react after the move has happened. Some people expect relief, clarity, or excitement to replace anxiety entirely and feel unsettled when that does not occur. For some, there is little looking back or second-guessing. For others, doubt, grief, homesickness, or second-guessing can arise even alongside satisfaction or joy.
These reactions do not mean you made the wrong decision. They often reflect parts that are adjusting to change, loss of familiarity, or new levels of vulnerability. Moving abroad often involves multiple transitions happening at once, including changes in culture, language, routines, social support, and identity. It makes sense that not all parts adapt at the same pace. Even positive life changes can bring stress.
One common challenge after a move is building meaningful connection in a new place. It is a well-known phenomenon that in some locations, expat and immigrant communities can offer deeper, faster connections than a move within one’s country of origin. That said, this is not always the case, and forming relationships can feel vulnerable, effortful, or slower than expected.
If parts of you feel lonely, disconnected, or discouraged, it does not mean you made a mistake or that something is wrong with you. Therapy can be a place to explore what gets activated around connection, support you in navigating new social environments, and help you find ways of relating that feel more sustainable and authentic.
Therapy can also help identify whether something important was overlooked in the midst of everything, such as connection, rest, or other comforting lifestyle factors. Over time, this can allow your nervous system to settle more fully and help you stay connected to why you chose this path, even when moments feel difficult or disorienting.
A Place to Think This Through
You do not need to have clarity before starting this work. You do not need to be certain about leaving, staying, or even wanting to decide right now. This space is for people who want room to think, feel, and listen more carefully to themselves around a question that carries real weight.
Whether you are early in the process, actively planning, or already living abroad and finding that parts of you are still reacting, therapy can offer a steady place to slow things down. Together, we can work toward understanding what matters most to you, tending to the parts that feel conflicted or overwhelmed, and supporting a decision or adjustment that feels more internally aligned.
If you are curious about exploring this in therapy, you are welcome to reach out. We can talk about what you are navigating and whether this feels like a good fit.
FAQs
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Both. Some people come in unsure and wanting space to work through the decision itself. Others have already decided or moved and want support with the emotional impact and adjustment that follows. Learn more.
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That’s very common. Different parts of you may be focused on safety, connection, stability, or growth. Therapy can help you understand these internal conflicts without forcing a rushed answer. Learn more.
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No. My role is not to decide for you, but to help you listen more clearly to yourself so you can make a choice that feels grounded and sustainable. Either answer can be right, and neither has to be permanent. Learn more.
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No. This work focuses on the emotional, relational, and nervous system aspects of deciding to move and adjusting afterward, not visas, housing, or relocation logistics. Learn more.
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Wanting distance from something that feels unsafe, constricting, or unsustainable does not make a decision wrong or impulsive. In therapy, we can honor those protective reasons while also exploring what you may be moving toward. Learn more.
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Even thoughtful, well-aligned moves can bring grief, loneliness, doubt, or nervous system stress. Adjustment is rarely linear. Therapy can help you make sense of what’s coming up and support you through this phase. Learn more.
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Yes. For many LGBTQ+ people, decisions about moving abroad involve additional considerations related to safety, belonging, visibility, and long-term well-being. Therapy can offer space to explore these concerns without minimizing them. Learn more.